I can’t take it

ive been getting crippling headaches and i know they aren’t physical trouble now. they are tied into my stress and frustration and anger and all the fucked up emotions i keep bottled up every miserable day of my life. im hoping letting some shit out will help the headaches go away…..
i want to make my girlfriend happy, i just want her to be happy. i try to support her in her endeavors but it kills me inside every single day, destroys me, eats me up and spits me out. i dont know why it bothers me to such an extent. i always thought of her as my love, and that if i treated her right she would be mine and mine only, but now everyone who has an internet connection or a nice camera gets to see her how i do. all the fucked up people out there that just want to use her to see that shit. but it makes her happy. i just wish these awful fucking feelings would go away, every time i think about it i get crippling headaches and just hurt, i cant even think straight. am i such a bad person for having these feelings?

if i stay at my job im going to become more and more insane everyday, im so close to losing it. but if i leave i will lose everything else; any chance of having good credit in the future, being able to drive a car, living in an apartment with my girlfriend, having a phone, maybe even my girlfriend. living fucking life depends on it.

my mental illnesses get worse all the time now. my anger problems seem to not be a problem anymore though, but everything else has gone downhill. anytime i even think or plan on doing something to better my life i get crippling anxiety and just cant fucking do it. i cant even schedule a god damn appointment myself anymore, never mind actually go to one. i get crippling anxiety for the simplest everyday fucking shit, what is wrong with me?

and the headaches, the fucking headaches everytime i think about this shit. i try to push it all away, put it in the back of my mind and push through my everyday bullshit, but its all piling up back there and overflowing my brain. I’ll just be going about my day and these fucking thoughts will just pop in my head and keep me from functioning like a normal fucking person. and its all the time.

im borderline chainsmoking just to get by moment to moment now, and the cigarettes arent doing much to help anymore. i just want all this shit to go away, get better, i need a break, a break i cant have

i feel like im losing my grip on sanity and no one cares. everyday gets worse and im alone in my struggles, slipping into darkness and despair with no hope currently in sight. I can’t even function in the everyday struggles of life anymore, i need a break before i myself break, but its not going to happen. i feel like im going to lose it. i go to work every fucking day fantasizing about ruining them. i get yelled at every fucking day and hang on to my last nerve to keep myself from snapping and beating down everyone in that place and burning it the fuck down. but i cant leave im fucking trapped as my life gets worse and worse and no one gives a fucking shit. i used to just be able to escape my bullshit life a couple hours a day when i come home and relax with my girl, but i cant even escape it at home anymore.

housecleaning

getting the apartment nice and clean for when kassie gets out of the hospital. its not easy v.v

listening to some dark lotus, like im ‘posed ta.

love you kassie

shes been in the hospital since last friday and i miss her so much, she will hopefully be getting out soon, maybe this weekend. i hope shes doing alright. im going to visit her in a little bit, im so glad im allowed to visit this time at least.

if only i knew what to do

my baby’s in the hospital again, i just wish there was some way i could help, i dont know what to do. in the meantime im gonna visit her as often as possible and hope for the best. i love you baby <3

gotta work cuz work sucks, but money good. makin minimum bacon. bleh. love you kassie <3

Biggest Mistake of my life

I’m not expecting to win you back or for you to forgive me, i just want to put this out there. Last night was the biggest mistake of my life. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t even think about doing it. I should have known better that it wasn’t right of us to do it, I’m never going to smoke weed again. Last night I did everything wrong and everything went wrong, an experience I don’t want anyone to go through, and had I known that would happen to you I would absolutely never ever have been cool with us smoking. And in the craziness of it all, the last person i was thinking about was myself. I just wanted to calm you down, do what was best for you. I figured you were just saying call the cops because you were freaking out, and that would have just gotten you in trouble. Had I known anything I do now, I would have done  everything differently. I know you probably won’t see this and even if you do this won’t mean anything to you, but i just want to say; I really am sincerely sorry I put you through this, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody especially not who i love most, I’m sorry.

I’m not quite sure how to prove I have changed, to have you believe me and feel secure. I sit and think and think, but come short of anything that will give you the security and safety you’d need to feel to believe me, so I just hope time and my actions and attitude will show you and in due time we can be closer and happier than ever. I love you so much Cassandra <3

this is for you Kassie <3

I wonder if I dreamed of you-
if you would appear?
To make my nights full of love,
and always hold me near.

I wonder if I thought of you-
if you would feel it in your soul?
Like two spirits in the universe,
who always seem to know.

Even if the stars went black
and the sun were to shine no more.
They could find their way to each other,
no matter how far the shore.

Safely in each other’s arms,
to bid the rest of time.
Finding Eternal Love
so many seek to find.

Caring for each other
through the worst of storms.
Leaning on the arms of love
and never need anymore.

This is how I feel for you,
I’ve known it all along.
You are my one true love
My world.. My heart.. My soul

— Author: Tracy Renee Shierling

more old photos, reminiscing

just hooked up my old computer, found this old picture of my beautiful Kassie =)

just hooked up my old computer, found this old picture of my beautiful Kassie =)